First off, I want to say that this is a heterosexual argument at its finest. The debate usually starts with some man who is completely insecure of the power he holds by saying, ‘If you expect for me to be paying for everything, just know that I’m going to control you.’ I personally love the traditional, ‘Why am I going to be paying for everything, so you can just sit at home and clean?!’. *Sighs in queer disdain* These statements are usually posted in some non-grammatical way and they are waiting for their boys to agree and the women to argue their case in line with theirs or against it. I sometimes scroll through the comments to humor myself with the group’s misused terms and poorly chosen analogies.

When you think about the history of the black family genetic make up throughout its existence in and constant poisoning of by the country we call home, how could you even think to have this argument out loud and let alone on Facebook. Where I am sure they are using these arguments to analyze how to market you the next bottle of alcohol or complete distrust of your counterpart. What is heartbreaking for me, I believe we are already at the second option and I’m scared.

In Kendrick Lamar’s new album, there is a song that instantly brought tears to my eyes but ended with me feeling just a sliver of hope.  We cry together. How could you hear this song and still feel the need to make this argument of how we should treat each other and how we should create family in our own households. I dead ass had to turn the song off because I thought I could write this here essay while listening to it. I am sure someone would attempt to make the argument that this song is unrelated to the case of finances in the black house. I have already thought of seven rebuttal points you’d make.

Anywho, I was going to give you a quick synopsis of the song, but you have to go listen to it. I can’t give you everything. Stop reading and go listen to the song. (Yes, again if you have already. I need those emotions to be fresh. I’ll do it with you…)

*I was serious*

I feel the pain of both sides. We are all struggling to understand our existence and the way we should live our lives under the notion of masculinity and femininity and the balancing act of them both. At the end of the day, regardless of the points we are making against one another, we are in a room crying together. Hurting one another time and time again with words and actions. Only to turn around to try to heal the pain we caused in the first place. How differently would this be if the conversation conducted itself based in love? I’ll listen instead of preparing my rebuttal. I’ll speak with reassurance that I understood what you said and if I truly didn’t, I promise to ask questions; if you promise to be patient with me.

Now, let’s put the initial worthless point to rest. The way you handle or would like to handle finances in your household should be an honest conversation you have within the first two dates. Lay out your expectations, be clear and concise on what you expect from your partner. If you are expecting for you both to be ‘chasing the bag’ and then coming together to fuck on top of money, SAY THAT SHIT! If you prefer ‘tradition’, the man goes to work and the woman takes care of the home and the children, say that! And let me say this, the variety of options that lie between these two extremes are all possible. As long as it is healthy for both people, that’s their damn business. This is not a community argument or discussion. Nod your head if you understand. Reread it if you didn’t.

Today, it is about finances in the household. Tomorrow, its about how we don’t allow each other to be emotional. Next week, we will probably bring up why marriage is worthless. (Lord, I hope we never get to that last one) All of these arguments are at a five hundred foot level. I believe we should be having more 1000 foot level conversations.

How can we have more conversations about what is needed for the Black Woman and Black Man to come together and love each other more deeply? I am sure someone somewhere is having these conversations. I would like to hope that the people reading this is having it in their own circles. If I had to choose how to start, it may start with questions like these:

• A great number of black women have been sexually abused with no justice and some don’t even know they were abused. Sexual abuse can cause a heighten distrust for people and any person who looks like their abuser. (Don’t you dare say she should just go to therapy, because that is not an end all be all solution) So, how can we as a village, assist with healing the pain of the black woman?

• Repeat the above statement and make it for black men. Black men have also been sexually abused in their childhood. We don’t talk about it enough. So, how can we as a village heal the pain of the black man?

• How can we support diversity in relationships and create safe spaces for them to exist? If this confused you, think about how you respond to polyamory, and the LGBTQ+ community. Yes, relationships exist outside of your heterosexual understanding of the world.

I have more, but it’s safe to leave it there. I hope this helps put 500 foot level conversations where they need to be (within the first two dates) and the 1000 foot level conversation where they should exist (in forums and in-person events that are constructed for black peoples to have a meeting of the minds). Notice, I did not mention Facebook. Let’s cut them off from free marketing materials.

I hope one day y’all learn to love each other. And that means, out in the open and freely. That also means even the people you are not sexually attracted to. Lastly, this means saving conversations like this for us and us only. Get your black ass off Facebook. They are using you.