Today, I cleaned

Today, I came home and just felt the need to clean. After being trapped in this mess for so long, today I cleaned. I’ve haven’t been able to think straight. I was not functioning at all. For what felt like weeks, I would get home from work and just lay in bed for hours until I fell asleep. Scrolling on my phone for hours on end became my comfort zone. 

While I was cleaning I realized, I let my inner child take over. The part of me thats scared of change and the unknown. I got a new job and I feel like I haven’t celebrated that. After months of interviewing and being afraid of the inevitable rejection from so many companies, I finally got a yes. The yes I prayed for. The yes that comes with much more than I was asking for. I let my inner child’s fear creep into my current reality and dictate how I treated myself. 

My inner child isolated me because that is all she knows. And I am not blaming her for her reaction to scary things. In her mind, there was a lion in the room and the only way to avoid it was to choose a corner and stay there. This part of my journey has taught me, to do what is easy is not what is always best. It was easy to succumb to my dark emotions. It was easy to lay in mess and not confront the lion in the room. 

Today, I decided to clean. To show love and to show up for my inner child. She needed me to clean, to get up and to eat something for her. She needed me to be something today. While cleaning I also realized/remembered healing is not linear. Healing sometimes takes turns that don’t seem like you are moving in the right direction. Though I can’t say that this is my last time here. I hope to always have the ability to remind myself, there will be dark times, but there will be a day where I come home and decide to clean. 

Depression is one sneaky bitch. The bitch gets heavier and more creative over time. I wonder what triggered her this time. Could it have been the money? The disdain for the work that I am doing? The weight gain? The lack of intimacy? Either way, today I decided to clean. Today, I am doing better.