ADHD +TRAUMA = Hyper-Sexuality.
The other day I saw a video of Dr. Umar explaining how people who have been traumatized are promiscuous because they are constantly seeking validation. Now don’t get it twisted, I am not a Dr. Ulmar follower and I am not saying that he is completely right, but there could be something to this. And to be honest, Its kinda true for me. I believe my hyper sexuality in my younger years was due to the amount of sexual trauma I’ve endured throughout my life. There are also studies that back this. In addition to trauma, there are also studies to support ADHD can be a source for hyper sexuality. So, picture this: your brain's already got more tabs open than a Chrome window on steroids (thanks, ADHD!), and then trauma decides to crash the party like that one cousin who always brings drama to family reunions. What do you get? A perfect storm that might just turn your libido up to eleven.
Now, I'm not saying everyone with ADHD or trauma is running around like a cat in heat. But for some of us, it's like our brains decided "Hey, you know what might fix all this chaos? MORE CHAOS! But make it sexy."
Let's break it down:
ADHD: We're always chasing that sweet, sweet dopamine hit. And guess what gives you a big ol' dose of brain happy juice? Yep, you guessed it – sexy times.
Trauma: Sometimes, when life's dealt us a crappy hand, we look for ways to feel in control, to feel something, anything. And sex can be a quick ticket to Feelsville, population: you.
Put 'em together: And baby, you've got a stew going! A stew of confusing feelings, impulsive decisions, and probably some regrettable texts.
This is not to say that we can’t overcome this imbalance. And maybe you are one of the people who don’t see this as an imbalance but a part of who you are. And thats ok. Do your thing. I write this with love. If you’re someone who wonders why going long periods of time without sex seems like climbing a mountain without gear, I’ve felt the same. Throughout my teenage years I treated sex like something I couldn’t go without. I just had to have it. In some cases, risking my safety, wellbeing and even some friendships to get it. It has taken years of therapy and honest conversations with myself to over come it and it wasn’t easy.
For a long time, I attached my self worth to my ability to please someone sexually. As if the only way for someone to love me, is if I pleasured them to the best of my ability. And when they did not give me the love I yearned for, I felt like a failure. As I got older, I realized the type of love that I was looking for came when sex wasn’t the main focus and the other person actually took time to get to know me. This realization came after many failed ‘situationships’ and being dishonest with myself for a long time. And I don’t write this as someone who has the completely under control. I still have my dark moments.
As I write this, I think back to the times I tried to tell family and friends, and I received so much judgement. So if you’re reading this and you’re struggling to find your safe space, I’m here for you. Send me an email and lets talk. Of course, get you a therapist you feel comfortable with. Be prepared to go through one or two to find the right fit for you. Again, if you are not someone who sees their hyper-sexuality as an issue, keep doing your thing. If you do, I hope you find love, understanding, and a safe space to get through this.
